Letter to my pets

When I say to move, it means to go someplace that is not in front of me.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing
your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a
claim making it YOUR plate and food.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than
you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch
to ensure your comfort. Dogs actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Honest. Also, I have been using the
bathroom by myself for quite some time --canine attendance is not
mandatory.

I can't stress this one enough -- kiss me, THEN go smell the other
dog's behind.

To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following notice
on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets --

1. The pets live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why it's call "fur"niture.)

3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted
son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.

4. Dogs are better than kids because:
they don't ask for money all the time,
they are easier to train,
they usually come when called,
they don't hang out with drug-using friends
they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education,
and --- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children. :)

---author unknown